I can still recall the feeling in my body as I spat out my first “No” in response to an invitation for an event I had no intention of attending. I told myself many times that honesty is the better route, as opposed to the dreadful “maybe” or “I’ll check my schedule”. There’s no need to check my schedule, and there’s no “maybe”. This was a hard No that was going to come out sooner or later; preferably sooner.
This one, short, two letter word, which can be understood in several different languages, is statistically the most difficult word to say (and mean it). Now, this has no connection to the “no” that our children say to us daily when asked to do *just about anything*, this refers to the strong compounding NO that we as adults are often scared to say, although we feel the need to.
Should we take a page out of our children’s theory; do I wish we could speak authentically and purely like our children – if I don’t want something I say no? Well, in theory yes, in practice no, but that’s an entirely different form of psychological analysis we’d have to dive into, in terms of development.
Why Can Saying NO Make You A Better Mom?
Of course, there are many times a day that a parent/caregiver will have to say no to a child, such as, “no, you cannot eat ice cream before dinner”. Those are the easy No’s. The deeper No is the one that stems into setting boundaries, realigning obligations, and removing toxic situations. These are the areas where taking a stance on your response can improve the mental health for yourself and your family and allow you to focus on what truly matters most.
Say NO and Start Setting Boundaries
It’s only natural to want to give in to all your children’s wants by saying YES to everything. There is a place where “mom guilt” originated from and that is our desire to give our children everything. Believe it or not, by saying No to your child and drawing boundaries/guidelines is better for them! A simple example of this can be, if we were to say yes to every toy that our child asked we purchase. Don’t you think that the child would eventually get bored of “having it all” and not appreciate anything that is given to him/her. This is one of the truest facts of life itself. I can personally vouch for this statement, from my own experience. Having a few items makes you appreciate them more, than having a room full of items which you don’t even know what to pick from. This is in line with my outlook on fashion and building that BASICS wardrobe – the less you have the easier the choices are, therefore the more satisfied you feel, as these items are specifically chosen. The Montessori Method also goes into this methodology deeply, but that’s a topic for another article.
Eliminate Unnecessary Obligations
Starting with a statement from from Psych Central, which states that “While children might experience some of these benefits, a busy organized activity schedule can put considerable strain on parents’ resources and families’ relationships, as well as potentially harm children’s development and well-being.”
As a parent you want the best for your child; you want to help them develop and grow, but sometimes we forget that children also just need to be children. Thinking about all of the extracurricular activities available to our children these days can be overwhelming to think about, and not to mention attend.
The importance of being able to say no to unnecessary obligations of after-school activities is one that I have had to dwell over myself. For starters, my child loves being active; participating in gymnastics, dance and music lessons, but also enjoys creativity through hands on crafts, puzzles, and tasks. Seeing our child thriving in different areas gives us the urge to push them into all their interests so they can build on that potential, right? Wrong!
Perhaps for the first few weeks of these daily activities our children will thrive and enjoy the rush, but after some time, many of these children will begin to fall back and slow down – there becomes an imbalance of rest – activity – process time.
Activity – Process – Rest Time Formula
The goal is to be able to balance the activities with the processing time and rest time. Depending on the child’s age and activity need, the usual average goal is to plan between 2-3 afterschool activities, to ensure the child has time to enjoy them, process their outcomes, and rest in between. Here’s a sample weekly schedule for a 5-year-old.
Remove Your Family from Toxic Situations
Lately, the world has started speaking up about this topic and I am here for it, clapping and encouraging along the way. Growing up we are taught, and we teach our children to be polite and kind to everyone. That statement still applies, and always will, but there is much more to it. By showing our kids that we have a voice, gives them a voice too.
This is the era of putting your family first and ending the toxic cycle of “going just to be polite”. People know what they are doing, and if someone is causing you/your family unpleasantness, then move on. Find a norm of saying No (thank you) when you know that a situation is not right for you/your family.
Believe it or not, if you are in a situation where you feel unwelcome, uncomfortable, and unwanted, your children will pick up on those cues. Stress levels and emotions come out differently in younger children than in adults, and this sort of situation can bring that out for them without you even realizing.
In Conclusion…
Although in that moment when you say NO to your child, that “mom guilt” may arise – but when you have a moment to catch your breath you will realize that you are a better parent for it. You were able to set a boundary for the benefit of your child’s well-being, you were able to unload unnecessary obligations, and you were able to remove your child from a potentially toxic situation causing unneeded stress and agony.
